act like a lady, dress like a chair

8 completely made-up style personas inspired by vintage seating.

So, there’s this book…

Yes, this one.

Basically, it’s a condensed history of chairs, as (visually) told by the coolest ones to ever exist. That may not have been the elevator pitch for this book, but that’s the description I’m sticking with.

I find myself flipping through it often when I’m lying in bed. It lives on my nightstand, perfectly matched to my novelty lip phone and cherry-red Pixar lamp. My favorite trio! Yes, they are all friends.

There’s been a great deal of discourse about resisting the algorithm, seeking inspiration offline, and turning to unlikely sources to spark creativity. Like, literally what people used to do before the internet existed. Oh, how far we’ve strayed.

1000 Chairs has become my go-to for visually “touching grass.” Each chair feels alive—sculptural, highly specific, and mood-evoking.

What room would this chair be in? Who sits in it? What are they wearing? What if the chair WAS a person? And if this were the end of Beauty & the Beast, who would this chair turn into once the spell is broken?

Naturally, I’ve curated some style aesthetics inspired by some of my favorite vintage chairs in the book. These are no longer seats. They are fully formed fashion personas with wardrobes, playlists, and questionable taste in men…well, maybe scratch the last one. Talk about main chair-acter energy.

Now, let us sit.

[I refer to these aesthetics as she/her, in the way people refer to a boat. They are divinely feminine (by nature); however, a person of any gender identity could embody these style personas. It’s strictly poetic. No gatekeeping here!]

---

---

The Red Cocoonist

Womb Chair, 1948 — Designed by Eero Saarinen

Wabi Camper Slippers // Red Slippers // Gap Cashsoft Cardigan // J.Crew Super Soft Roll Neck Sweater // Red Wexford Cardigan // Yara Black Shoulder Bag // 6 1970s Vintage Vogue Issues // New Balance 9060 Sneakers

Saarinen designed the Womb Chair to be like “a basket full of pillows” that one could “really curl up in.” The Red Coccoonist is cozy yet powerful. She is the mother of comfort—polished, safe, relaxed. Loves to lounge, but never just “throws” on an outfit. Carefully calculated in her comfortability. She’s done the prep work, now she’s ready to settle down with a book.

Key Ingredients:

• Slouchy, cherry red knits (always a size too big)

• Monochrome fits broken up by black or white accessories

• Long wool coats

• Cashmere, cashmere, cashmere

• Elongated silhouettes, wide leg trousers, pieces that wrap around the body

• Unfussy shoes—minimalist sneakers, simple loafers or slippers

• Classic black handbag

• Vintage matchboxes & magazines lying around (probably)

Soda Pop Sleaze (Electric Baby)

First, 1983 — designed by Michele De Lucchi

Bright Blue Tights // Versace Blue Polka Dot Slippers // Blue Juno Mules // Soda Pop Top Bag // Polka Dot Bow Dress // Vivid Blue J.Crew Tee // Detachable Peter Pan Collar // Sandy Liang Silver Bow Ring

“Balancing line, plane, and sphere, DeLucchi created a chair that is both post-modern sculpture and furniture. Unlike many Memphis designs, First Chair was mass produced and sold at a reasonable price. Though seeming to be uncomfortable, it proved very popular.” —The MET

This particular brand of housewife doesn’t have dinner ready when you get home. But her eyeliner is perfect, her hair looks great, and there’s a cigarette burning in the ashtray next to a half-drunk Diet Coke. The Soda Pop Sleaze woman is multifaceted—simultaneously balancing the aura of the 1950s Atomic Age with a 2012 Tumblr IT Girl. Domesticity but make it a little feral. The blue in her wardrobe isn’t calming; it’s electric. She’s also the only person who you know can rock bangs.

Key Ingredients:

• Vivid blue pops of color (main attraction) // color blocked with black

• Polka dot prints, duh

• Opaque tights, ballet flats, bows in unexpected places

• Circle skirts, A-line mini dresses, peter pan collar (but with irony, because she’s a feminist)

• Lucite or silver jewelry only

• Eyeliner so sharp it could kill a man

Design with lacquered wood elements, painted metal frame.

Mossy Heiress

V.I.P Chair, 2000 — designed by Marcel Wanders

Dries Van Noten Green Metallic Sweater // Dries Van Noten Green Tinsel Skirt // J.Crew Green Cashmere Sweater // Bria Structured Handbag // Lambertson Truex Shoulder Bag // Loewe Rubber Mules // Loewe Leather Mules #2 // Cashmere Shrunken Crew Neck // ALC Satin Midi Skirt //

A walking meadow, the Mossy Heiress is sturdy and self assured. With a playful energy, she is experimental, adventurous, and not afraid to get a little dirty (even in whatever chic getup she’s donning). She knows her way around a compost bin just as well as a Loewe sale rack.

Just like the wheels on the V.I.P Chair, she doesn’t walk—she glides…in really nice shoes. No stranger to a wide leg pant or a flared midi skirt, the Mossy Heiress is all about playing with textured layers. She is the forest floor. The canvas. And her clothes are the natural elements growing atop it.

Key Ingredients:

• Lime green or forest green

• Cashmere + wool + fur sweaters with an emphasis on the texture

• Rounded black or green leather shoes (expensive but comfortable)

• Structured, classic handbags

• Flared silhouettes

• A Notes App list of every all the best matcha spots in town

She’d kill for the Loewe grass coat

Lieutenant Custard

Alta Lounge Chair, 1971 — Designed by Oscar Niemeyer & Anna Maria Niemeyer

Banana Republic Knit Midi Dress // Stretch Crepe Open Back Dress // Satin Midi Slip Dress // Ruched Drop Waist Chiffon Dress // Butter Yellow Midi Skirt // Yellow Soft Vinyl Handbag // Handmade Round Leather Bag // Black Luna Bangle // Mini Leather Clutch Bag // Curvy Buttermilk Bangle // Black Nike Cortez

“I am not attracted to straight angles or to the straight line, hard and inflexible, created by man…I am attracted to free-flowing sensual curves.” —Oscar Niemeyer

We all know Colonel Mustard—a decorated war hero, an alpha male, a strong/no nonsense individual with a dark side…who may or may not have killed someone in the [insert room here] with a [insert weapon here].

Meet Lieutenant Custard—his laissez-faire sister. With a Type B personality, she’s flexible, unrestrained, and fluid (much like the Alta). Her style is light, airy, and whipped, but not without a stark contrast to disrupt things a bit. Creamy yellow dresses. Lace detailing. A jet black trench. A rounded edge is still an edge, nonetheless. Think, Alexa Chung at Glastonbury in 2024.

Key Ingredients:

• Canary yellow pieces

• Breathable, flowy, soft garments (silk, light cotton, rayon)

• Long slip dresses with lace detailing

• Rounded/organic black accessories (circular bags, chunky cuffs, sculptural necklaces)

• Black leather shoes with no heel (loafers, boots, flats, slides)

• Ruffles, silk scarves, & silver accessories (never gold)

  

404: Outfit Not Found

Richard III, 1984 — Designed by Philippe Starck

Layered Sheer Maxi Dress // Semi Sheer Midi Skirt // Dries Van Noten Sleeveless Top // Grey Silk Pants // Crinkled Midi Skirt // Vintage Sheer Prada Top // Metallic Puma Ballet Flats // Women’s Ride Millennium Sneaks // Black Buckle Leather Sandals // Dion Sheer Skirt // Maison Margiela Tote

The 404 woman is hauntingly self assured, a little androgynous at times, and playful…in a dark neutral way. She’s all about sheer layers, invisible clothes, muted greys, sculptural black leather, a bit of techno-futurism and anti-glamour. Naturally erotic—not afraid to show a nipple (or 2) in the name of fashion. Is she human or hologram?

Shoutout to

MacKinley Jade

for crafting a stellar newsletter dedicated to “X-ray fashion.” It really captures the essence of the 404: Outfit Not Found persona. Think:

• Giorgio Armani Spring 1999

• Grace Ling

• WConcept

• Miu Miu Fall 1997

• Prada Spring 1997

When I hear Marcy Playground’s “Sex and Candy” and John Wozniak asks, “who’s that lounging in my chair?”—this is the chair I picture. Sturdy, sexy, and weird. Late 90s, luxury minimalism.

Key Ingredients:

• Sheer, gauzy layers—organza slips, mesh tunics, oversized tops worn over pants

• Monochromatic palette (slate grey, washed black, muted blues)

• Draped silhouettes that flow all the way down to the ankle

• Architectural leather bags

• Comfy, effortless footwear (sleek sandals, silver sneaks, pointed patent leather for going out)

• Minimal jewelry

A little commotion for the back of the chair

Hotel on Boardwalk

My Beautiful Backside, 2008 —Designed by Nipa Doshi & Jonathan Levien

Tapered Denim Vest // Adidas Tokyo Shoes // Uniqlo Slim Flare Trousers // J.Crew Ripped Shell Tank // Jonathan Adler Needlepoint Prozac Pillow // Vintage Americana Purse // D&G Quirky Plastic Handbag // Vintage 60s Mod Purse // Color Block Wicker Bag // J.Crew Stratus Pant // Ralph Lauren Red Sweater // Banana Republic Crew Neck Sweater // Madewell Cocoon-Sleeve Denim Jacket

The Hotel on Boardwalk persona is both literal and figurative. Yes, it conjures a crystal-clear image of a (tiny plastic) hotel on the Boardwalk property in Monopoly—the ultimate power move. You’ve made it. You’re untouchable. Your victory is almost inevitable.

But the Hotel on Boardwalk girl? She’s classic Americana with a twist. Boardwalk strolls, crisp denim, and a color palette of red, white, and blue, but never in a tacky stars-and-stripes/4th-of-July way. She prefers bold color blocking and clever vintage accessories. She’s more Mondrian (minus yellow) than an Old Navy tee. There’s an ease to her style, but every choice feels intentional. She’s always one move ahead.

Her ensembles are always a mix of high/low fashion—much like the cushions of the My Beautiful Backside chair (literally). She buys quality basics at J.Crew and Ralph Lauren, but her vintage, non labeled accessories are sourced from Depop or eBay.

Key Ingredients:

• Dark denim (two-piece sets, bootcut jeans, structured jackets)

• Navy as a neutral—with pops of red + white to break it up

• Relaxed sweaters, knitted tanks, & ribbed materials

• Tied sweater (around the shoulders & waist)

• Mixes modest silver + gold accessories (YOLO)

• Kooky, vintage, “wrong shoe” for the occasion

Memphis Milano Maximalist

Royal Chaise, 1983 — Designed by Nathalie Du Pasquier

Dodo Bar Or Midi Skirt // Prada Lamp Broach // Anthropologie Somerset Maxi Dress // Marni Graphic Button Up // Clare V Carryall Tote // Mobius Hi Party Heel // Woven Multi-colored Sandals // Mint Green Geometric Print Blouse // DVF Caleb Blouse // Retro Memphis Style Skirt // DVF Silk Midi

Italian excess. Relaxed boldness. The Memphis Milano Maximalist understands the artistic value of complementary colors, and although most of us tend to shy away from such a statement (stylistically), she embraces the spectacle. She lives in a world where checkerboard, zigzags, color blocked grids, and hand painted prints can all live in chaotic harmony. One man’s post-modern home decor is another woman’s farmer’s market fit.

She’s the spiritual offspring of Ettore Sottsass and Guccio Gucci, raised in a Milanese apartment where terrazzo floors meet Peewee’s Playhouse furniture, and the espresso is always served in a lattice print cup. It’s that Prada SS16 irreverence meets Valentino Resort 2017’s bold romanticism—familiar Italian codes made strange and new. Art school, but make it la dolca vita.

Key Ingredients:

• Geometric prints on geometric prints on geometric prints

• Green & red (complementary colors to rule them all)

• Unexpected textures (quilted nylons, silky jerseys, & anything that feels slightly synthetic)

• Long, rectangular silhouettes

• Architectural footwear (platform sandals, printed loafers, slip ons)

• Hand painted clothes / novelty prints

• Sporty details with an artsy twist (visors, track pants, rugby stripes—but in clashing patterns and luxe fabrics)

(Iconic) Ionic Afterparty

Capitello, 1971 — Designed by Studio 65

Free People Sutton Mini // White Puff Sleeve Maxi // Off the Shoulder Pleated Maxi Dress // GapStudio Off the Shoulder Top // Gap Factory Stretchy Jersey Tank // Silk Long Sleeve Top // Backless Halter Dress // Pleated Chiffon Maxi Skirt // Marc Jacobs Gold Kitten Heel // Franco Sarto Mule // Ellie Sphere Heel Mule // Chunky Organic Cuff // Organic Wide Cuff // Tibi Lobster Belt // Cove Shell Clutch

“Cause she's so high. High above me, she's so lovely. She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite.” —Tal Bachman, 1999

Always the guest of honor, the Ionic Afterparty girl is the first to arrive and last to leave. For the main event, she is statuesque like carved marble, wrapped in liquid gold. By night, she likes a vibe shift—Grecian drapes that flutter as she floats on air. An exposed thigh, perhaps.

A modern Aphrodite with an RSVP to every fashion week after-afterparty. Her jewelry is oversized and organic, cuffs and rings with the luster of ancient treasure plucked from the ruins. Her shoes? Designed to lightly click against marble floors in palazzos and museum galleries alike.

There’s a divine nonchalance about her. Fresh faced, she sips her Ouzo martini, hair twisted into an effortless knot, sunglasses still on indoors. The Ionic Afterparty girl is living proof that classical doesn’t have to mean conservative; it can be decadent, radical, and just a little bit camp.

Key Ingredients:

• Empire-waisted, long column dresses

• White, airy fabrics with movement (chiffon, cotton, voile, silk, jersey)

• Draped mini dresses (oft asymmetrical)

• Ruffled sleeves, soft embellishments, & minor lace detailing

• Gold accessories (chunky, organic shaped cuffs, rings, & necklaces)

• Gold shoes (decadent, yet never tacky)

• Hair tied up in a bun OR loose, natural waves

The end.

That concludes my fantastical dive into the personification of chairs. Any of these capture your essence? Or inspire you to take on a whole new persona this fall?

Let me know which one is your favorite in the comments!

---

But wait, there’s more…

If you enjoy digesting these nonsensical style personas, as much as I like cooking them up, you’ll like these past newsletters.

Thank you for reading this nonsense!

If you like what ‘it’s critical.’ has to offer this world, please consider:

🔁 Restacking this newsletter or quoting your fav part

📩 Sending this email/newsletter to your BFF

💖 Liking & commenting on Substack

📲 Subscribe for more content like this!