Who is the Hottest US President?
Ranking our heads of state based on pure aesthetics... AKA the important stuff.
I’m not a sports fan, so March Madness bores me to pieces. But, I got serious FOMO not having a bracket to call my own.
What was I to do? Obviously, create one that combines two of my favorite things: United States presidents and aesthetics. I forge my own path. Basketball be damned.
While I’m not an avid history buff, per se, I do have a bit of a nerdy fascination with US presidents and have ever since I had this booklet as a kid.
It gave a bunch of facts about each of them, but at the time, I was more interested in the giant faces (obviously). Basically, ever since 1st grade, I could identify and name all of them in order as an annoying party trick. I was also probably the only 3rd grader AS enamored with the 2008 presidential election. I literally had this bop downloaded onto my iPod nano at the ripe age of nine.
Fast-forward to now, I could have totally made this bracket on my own, but that’s no fun. So, I recruited my friend (and notable coworker) Carly who is the only person I know who shares the same love of US presidents AND my annoying party trick.
Before you venture down to the actual bracket, I need to address a few things:
This is completely subjective, so there is a 95% chance you will disagree with us and we are not sorry about it.
We did not rank them based on popular opinion about who are widely considered the “most attractive” presidents.
The rankings ARE based solely on what the president looked like while IN OFFICE. Yeah, Joe Biden was hot when he was 24, but that doesn’t count. #aftertheoath
We used their presidential portraits as our guide and if we needed a better look, we Googled more photos.
I don’t know anything about an actual March Madness bracket (because I don’t care to learn), so if you feel the setup is “incorrect” somehow, go yell at the clouds.
Because the actual entire brackets are really large and I filled mine out on a piece of paper (the old-fashioned way), I will be skipping ahead with more compelling graphics, although I’ll still attach the photo I took of my entire paper… at the end.
Emilee’s Hottest Presidents
Carly’s Hottest Presidents
Before we reveal the winners, I must address at least some of the thought processes behind these picks, because I know you’re thinking:
“Why didn’t my fav make the cut?” or “How did Harry S. Truman beat JFK?”
Bushes Be Gone: Where Carly & I Differ
As you can tell, our brackets are pretty similar, even though in real life, our taste in men could not be more polar opposite. Seems like we share the same unpopular opinions on presidential aesthetics, aside from one glaring factor. The Bushes.
For me personally, I think George W. Bush looks like an elderly monkey, so there was no way in hell he was cruising to the top of my list. As for George Bush Sr., I think he is more attractive than his son, but I had to give the spot to T. Jeff, because he’s fancy (even though his powdered wig bangs look like when Hannah Horvath cut hers in the midst of an emotional breakdown in S2 of Girls).
Carly, however thinks that George W. Bush is “cute,” so he, naturally secured a spot.
Addressing Your Concerns
Where is JFK?
Listen, I’ve always thought there was something uncanny valley about John F. Kennedy. He looks like he’s made of wax and there’s something not quite right. I think we’re jaded by the fact that he was a young president with good hair.
Barack Obama
I do think Obama is one of the most attractive presidents we have had. I’ll be honest, the only reason he didn’t make the top graphic is because he was paired against Harry S. Truman in the previous round… and we all know Truman is quite favored here. Can’t help it. The “S” stands for STAR. Kidding, it actually stands for nothing. His middle name is literally just “S.”
Misc “Others”
Teddy Roosevelt doesn’t really have a chin. Woodrow Wilson looks like Nosferatu. Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln both share the starring role in my nightmares. And after a recent revelation, Mister Warren G. Harding looks like the spitting image of Same Eagle from the Muppets. How patriotic of him.
Why Are FDR & Truman at the Top?
Gotta put the dime on the dime, right? I like a nerd look and FDR and Truman rock their glasses nicely, so I have a soft spot for the two of them. Truman looks like the smartest owl in the tree.
Yes, Franklin did marry his cousin but they only shared a great-great-great grandfather, so grow up and leave him alone. My post-polio cripple opinion on attractiveness still stands (even though Frank sadly could not).
So, Who Wins?
For Carly, it’s Mr. Owl himself, Harry S. Truman. His portrait photo (above) was too irresistible for her to bypass. He looks very handsome, smart, and nothing like Gary Oldman in Oppenheimer. It’s funnier to imagine that’s the look on his face after he refers to Oppie as the “crybaby scientist.”
“I am become hottie. Destroyer of… all other presidents on this list.”
For me, it’s gotta be certified hottie, Franklin Pierce. Good president? Absolutely not. Brooding baddie? Certainly. He’s dark. He’s mysterious. And he brought a lot of trauma (watching his son get decapitated) to his presidency that probably left 1850s women everywhere saying, “I can fix him.”
He kinda gives me the essence of Kalabar at the beginning of the first Halloweentown movie when we thought he was a nice, kooky mayor.
It’s a Match!
Here’s the full bracket for those wondering who beat out who. And if you’ve read this far and are thinking that it’s not nice for me to objectify men — to that I say: these are not men. They are political figures. Big difference.
That’s a wrap. Let me know in the comments who your hottest president is!
